Learning to Leave Myself Alone

i have recently realized that i am a bit of a bully.  not to others (well, maybe sometimes to others), but to myself.

at this point, i should be pretty pleased with myself, right?  sure, i've had some help.  i never could have done any of this without my amazing pilates teachers (thanks Marina & Claire! - seriously, if you have ever even thought about doing pilates call these ladies, it will change your life), and obviously the Weight Watchers program is basically the key to my success. but these things are just tools.  i'm still the one doing the work.

even though i recognize all of this on an intellectual level, i find it hard to give myself credit.  when i'm alone, it's fine, but as soon as i've got someone to compare myself to, all of my proud feelings go out the window.

i was noticing this last night in this exercise class i've been taking.  it's this suspension training system called TRX that was developed by Marines or something... anyway, it's hard.

so i'm in this class, struggling to do these exercises where i've got to lift all of my body weight with just my biceps, and i start to look around at these girls who are half my size and twice as strong, and i get super discouraged.  now, i know suspension training is easier when you weigh less because there's less weight to lift, but my typically literal and logical mind can't seem to remember that when i'm in a room full of people, trying as hard as i can and still occasionally failing.

now logically, i realize this is dumb.  everyone's body is unique and we're all at different levels and the only thing that matter is how you feel and you and me are free to be you and me etc... so, from now on, i'm gonna stop picking on myself.

so what if that girl over there can do push-ups in a split only using her pinkie!  i'm not her and that's ok!  right?

i suspect it will take more than just a blog entry and some sarcasm to get over a habit 20 years in the making, but this is a start and hopefully the beginning of a new way of looking at myself... and not so much at others!

-V